Everyone loves top ten lists, as evidenced by this ridiculousness, complements of the New York Times. But even while realizing the shortcomings of Top Ten Lists (necessitating comparisons of unlike things, oversimplification, lack of intellectual integrity, etc.), I just like them cause they’re fun. So, this is kind of random, but despite having no real authority or expertise in the area, I present to you my very own Top Ten list!

I don’t know why anyone would be inclined to take fashion advice from me, but here’s my list of my Top Ten “Fashion” mistakes slash decisions I wish I and other people could undo or do-over or otherwise not have done or worn. You get what I’m trying to say, right? Right. That was badly worded, but let’s just move on with the list. Things I never should have worn (and that people probably should not wear, IMHO) include:

10. Cargo pants. These never looked very good on me, but I thought I looked “street” with cargo pants on in middle school. I was wrong. In general, I’d say these can be okay in moderation and depending on the context, but you’d probably look better in something else.

9. Thick Platform sandals (this). Yuck. Mine didn’t have those skull things, but still, yuck.

8. Mini-backpacks shaped like cute animals. If you’re under the age of seven, then it’s cute. Otherwise, double-yuck.

7. Glitter Lip-smackers. I don’t know what it is about glitter that makes little girls so happy (this author has a theory), but yeah, I did this. Like, a lot. This is another thing that is probably somewhat okay in moderation.

6. Velour Pants (this). Pants made of velvet-like material. DISLIKE. Who invented these and why? I had one pair of velour pants and even then I hated them, but some of the other girls were wearing them so I tried them and hated myself for being an idiot and wearing velour pants. These are so stupid. Just wear normal pants. Or better yet, wear jeans. They’re not even that comfortable. You might as well be wearing sweatpants or yoga pants. There are so many other options that are superior just because they are not velour pants.

5. Long, lacy camis + v-neck shirt + jeans. Okay, this isn’t necessarily a terrible combination, but around senior year of high school through beginning of college, this was pretty much my go-to outfit of choice. I probably should have switched it up some.

4. Glasses leash (this). You know those string things that loop around the ends of your glasses so if they fall off they stay on your neck? Yup. I had those in 3rd grade. Super cool.

3. Overalls. Overalls are very deceptive because they are cute on models and very comfortable. When you wear them, you feel happy because you are comfy and imagine you look cute as well, but you are being cruelly deceived. In fact, you look like an idiot. The one caveat is if you are under the age of 7. Then you can wear overalls. Or if you are a model. Then it really doesn’t matter; you probably look great. Yay for you.

2. Tankinis (this, and also see this). I had one tankini back in 6th grade and luckily had the presence of mind to wear it once before realizing how atrocious tankinis are. If you look awesome in a binkini, wear that. If you look like crap in a binkini, wear a one-piece. If you are with your conservative parents, wear a one-piece. THERE IS NEVER A GOOD REASON TO WEAR A TANKINI. I’m proud and view it as a testament to my good taste that I realized this relatively early on. Tankinis are a sure-fire way to make otherwise attractive people look like crap.

1. Turtlenecks. I really, really hate turtlenecks. I have yet to find anyone who looks good wearing a turtleneck. At best, you look like you’re in a Macy’s slash J.C. Penney’s catalog — that is still not a complement. My mom just bought me two from some special store in Japan. Why, mom? WHY? I don’t have the heart to tell her that I have not worn a turtleneck since I started dressing myself almost 20 years ago. If your neck is cold, wear a scarf. That’s all I have to say on this subject.

This post originally started off just being about how much I hate tankinis because I’m currently looking for a new swimsuit since the clasp on my last one broke when I was in Mexico, but it got me thinking about the many fashion trends that I despise. There’s always more derision to go around I guess. Happy shopping!